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My Nicotine

One thing that I never said
I'm happy to be everything you aren't
I crave the magnets that repel
The women that smoke me up
Like one of the 20 cigarettes in a pack
Lit, inhaled, and embraced
Then quickly depleted
My nicotine wasn't enough for you
You had moved on to the next
And then tossed him onto the side of the road
To lay cold and lifeless
It's a pity

Breaking hearts is your greatest addiction
You crave constant affection
New things, new people, new experiences
It'll be too late when you finally realize
Nobody's little nicotine will last
One day you'll grow old
Like the rotting fence around
The local abandoned garden
Leeched by weeds and sun dried
Your soil has lost its appeal
Nothing blossoms anymore
All you have is disease and regret

Maybe you should have smoked me slower?
Then maybe If you pressed me close
Enough to your lips
I would ignite your tainted mouth
And together we could burn

But you don't believe in true love do you?
Well at least we agree on something

I'd drop from your lips
I'd wait in the parking lot of a high school
I'd join the backpack of a local school boy
He saw your chalky black skeleton
He was not fond of you
He was not lured in by what once was
An undeniable beauty
He saw you after you took a blow torch
And removed your skin inch by inch
I'd be placed in his memory box
As a constant reminder to never be naive

Lit, inhaled, embraced, tossed
For every cigarette you light
You mindlessly pour a little gasoline
In your massive empty fish tank
You've been preparing your whole life
For the gas to reach your lips
I'll warn you not to act on impulse
Pressing your thumb against the
Flint-wheel ignition
We could have swam to shore
But you lit this lake into an inferno
Some call it suicide
I call it an overdose

The Sick Part

Either you jumped too high and joined the clouds
Sank too low to kiss the ground
And were brought under
Or were pushed into a cremation chamber
I haven't seen you
And it's eating me alive

Long before I met you
My heart had forgotten how to burn bright
It had reduced itself to a simmer
You took this pile of warm coal in my chest
Placed it near your own
You and I danced through your kitchen
Then you opened your freezer
Shoved my heart in the back with the ice cubes
You threw the rest of your cheap wine in my face
Handcuffed my wrists and then tied me to a chair
Left without saying a word

I swore I'd be there for you
Now this promise is hard to keep
The warmth of my heart had been drained
And the days passed like shots to an alcoholic
The house I sat in was then boarded up
Plywood over the windows
Draining all the light from my little world
The sick part is that I still miss you

I'll stay here waiting for you to return
When the day comes
You'll be invited by a stripped corpse
A skeleton still waiting there
The rats and insects didn't waste time
At least something on this earth besides you
Craved me, used me, and left me to rot

I hope you use what's left of me as a mantle piece
Or as firewood to keep you warm
I'd like to share the heat with you

She did what I had expected
Took my remains
And tossed them to the hounds
Tearing and having issues sharing
They enjoyed their quickly depleted meal
Until every drop of bone marrow
Had been consumed

My ghost still waits in the kitchen
For you to steal me away
To some place warm

The sick part is
Even after the hounds shit me on your lawn
I'll still lay there missing you

Nosce te ipsum

I am the soldier of a spiritual war
I am the blind crippled narcissist
I am the beauty in the dissonance
I am the repulsion of indecency
I am the prisoner without a cell
I am the chaos without origin
I am the nameless leech
I am the hidden parasite
I am weak, numb, and insignificant
I am kings, gods, and prophets
I am the summer of corruption
I am the winter of consumption
I am the deceased and replaced
I am the birth of tragedy
I am not a unique snowflake
I am human, all too human

Jump

Laugh the pain away if you can
Keep the dimes in your pocket
Keep him close even if he's far away
Whether they brought him to the basement
Or handed him to the devil
The phone calls are worth it
So keep the dimes in your pocket

This fireplace is tempting
How I'd love to toss myself in
Then maybe I'd laugh
Anything to feel anything but this
A ransom note would be my little gold mine
I'd prefer it over the jackpot
I'd hand myself willingly
To the flames
Just to see you safe

All I have are piles of photographs
A collection of fading memories
And this bottle of liquor

Tear after tear
I am the definition of pathetic
I pour the rest of the alcohol on the photographs
Flick my burning cigarette
As I watch our past together rise into reds and yellows
The room heats up but my body gets colder
My lips turn blue as I walk over to the window
I lift it open as the cold of night washes over me
The only way to let you go
Is to party with the road kill

I always wanted to know what it would feel like to fly
I'll imagine the cars and buses below
As little insects running across a lake
You wait on the sandy shore near by
The flame grows larger behind me
As the street below invites me over and out
I'll be with you soon
I'll be just fine
I tell myself
Jump

From Under The Stolen Bench We Whisper

I've never been claustrophobic until now
I've never been in such a state of regret
Dirt particles floating into my eyes
Oxygen running thin and my heart racing
If there was one happy thing I remembered
It was how much you cared about sunflowers when it rained
You always said that they created rainbows that no one could see

It began in my garage
We stood staring at two lonely shovels and carpenter tools
Our new companions it seemed
We made our choice and we were sure about it
Maybe we should of built a tree house for the local ghosts instead?

We walked hand in hand eight long miles
Eight miles isn't long if you think of them as your last
We appreciated everything that surrounded us
Even the empty beer cans, stranded couches, and the rubber from blown tires
Maybe we should of prepared a picnic on the beach for the local ghosts instead?

We arrived at the place where we first met
A cinema used to stand here
The local ghosts used to stand here
They used to laugh, smile, hug, and pass notes
Now they only whisper and give us chills
All that remains is an abandoned parking lot and a pile of smoldered rubble
There was a fire, we were outside kissing on the bench
Hopelessly we watched our friends turn black and crumble
Maybe we should have opened a new cinema for the local ghosts instead?

We went to the grassy area where our bench once was
Since then it had been stolen
We took our shovels and started digging
Shovel blade to the ground, push, pry, and then toss
We dug until there were two large dirt mounds behind us
And one large happy inviting hole in front
Maybe we should have went to the funeral for the local ghosts instead?

We used some of the old cinema to nail together two caskets
We cut perfect circles into each box large enough for our arms
We neatly placed the black chalky rectangles next to each other
We laid ourselves down comfortably
Closed the lids
We held hands through the cut out circles
These pills should have done the trick
No two people have ever been more in love
Soon we were dancing with the ghosts
In the tree house, the picnic on the beach
The newly built cinema, and our own funeral

Police found the caskets a month later
It was raining harder than it had in decades
And I had remembered to plant sunflowers around the hole that we dug
There is hardly anything more bliss
Than a love that carries us into and beyond our own grave
At least now we can witness the rainbows created from sunflowers
Dance forever and whisper chills into the living

Growing Up and Giving Up

Little things used to make me smile
Bubbles, legos, fireworks, and bicycles
Not anymore, I've lost interest
School used to be appealing
I used to love to learn
I used to care what teachers thought
Not anymore, I've lost interest
I used to care about my looks
My mirror was my best friend
Not anymore, no one looks anymore
My shield has been stripped from my chest
I lay bare awaiting the spear
Strike through my pointless chest
I'm so sorry
This whole time I've been lying
To the world I've existed in for 20 years
I'm sorry to the girls I've played as tools
I'm not unique, clever or interesting
I'm just a prick aware of his spelling
I've tried to be different
I've tried to fit in
Neither worked
I'll play in my pile of sand
Until I forget my favorite meals
My favorite bands, girls, and friends
These things are meaningless
Once you realize you are meaningless
Nothing else matters
I'm sorry if I judged you
I never had the right and I never was correct
I'm the same man I have always been
My last breathe will try to be an honest one
I am not who you think I am
I am everything you already knew
I am nothing at all
I am absolutely nothing
I used to believe I was the captain of my own ship
But the truth is that I have been
Tossed overboard before I set sail

This Plane Won't Drop Until I'm on Board

Creatures from the deep
Make me toss and turn
They wake me from my sleep
I wake with swollen eyes
Dripping of sweat
I crave the bandage
I crawl and leave a blood trail
Indecisive little snail I am
I'll kiss your shoes with my last breathe
Shine them with my spit
I'll smile with my last working muscles
My 4 remaining teeth reflect the barrel
I'll stare as you grin
Shoot away good sir
Shoot away and I'll keep smiling
The dead will pilot this plane tonight
Down we go, like a shooting star
A great mass of flame
Warming the world with incredulous comfort
Lets sit in a circle and pray
Pray for the world to open like a donut
Let us pass straight through
An endless light show
Fireworks for the universe

It's Not Suicide If You're Happy Doing It

We heard a wreckage outside our window
We passed our blessings through closed mouths
Emotionless we watch with eyes full of excitement
Who died? What broke? What's going to happen next?
A father and a mother, two kids and their pet dog
All vanish from the face of the earth in seconds
His name was Johnny, he took these lives
He wasn't drunk, he was ready to leave
He was singing along to "There is a Light That Never Goes Out"
This was a happy family with five happy lives
This was a happy boy with a happy home
Everyone mourns the dead
The dead do not mourn themselves
When Johnny's sister Sally found out
She did not cry, she laughed
She laughed until her eyes teared with joy
She knew what he was thinking in his last seconds
She knew he was searching for the perfect people
The perfect family to cross the boundary with
The police asked her questions
Taken back by the white smile she gave them
They asked "was there a motive? or any sort of complication?"
Sally joyfully said "No..."
"It's Not Suicide If You're Happy Doing It"

Sacrifice My Virgin Ears

I congratulate confusion
I confess my corruption
Too bad I've never
Been a man of war

I've never had a unique purpose
A life without a shadow
I promise to you
I think of you every night
After I turn my wheels
Over the dividing lines
Over the grassy mound
Into the river of old saps

Years ago they had dissolved
Been absorbed by the earth
I float slowly side by side
I kiss every beautiful woman
That used to battle this tide
I used to think that
The avoidance of selfishness
Would save me

I was naive and boastful
I ate every lie passed my way
Willingly dropped to my knees
Took one for the team
The team I was dropped from years ago
Creatures wake up and wait
I lay down and look at hungry eyes
Take this corpse
I sacrifice these virgin ears
My taken for granted corpse
I give it up with hope
You'll spare my bones
So my family can give treats
To the dogs on the street

Burn Your Papers

I crave knowledge
But I hate the institution
Inconvenience controls
Procrastination wins
I love those who teach
I hate the papers
I love the fellow learners
I hate the papers
I love the knowledge
I burn the papers

Learn to dismiss authority
The only thing I retain
Dismiss "the man"
The plague of my life
The questions they ask
Should be answers given
Complete and ignorant
Everyone stares and thinks
About sex, sports, and friends
The new revolution is coming
It is coming
The great institution
Will burn the paper
And reform
Education without the shackles
Is all I ask of "the man"

Dismiss the man
If he were of blood and flesh
I'd never hesitate
Believe me
I'd never hesitate